Today is my first day...

For the last 8 years of my life, I have worn the same size jeans. Now, let's not be coy... that size was not a pretty number, but still... I maintained it. That was, until today. Today, my size has changed. Ok. OK! It has been changing for awhile now, but today I tried on two pairs of my faithful (until today) jeans and they didn't fit. Freaking Benedict Arnold bastard jeans. They didn't even come close. Crapheads. Clearly my jeans have shrunk, right, because I surely didn't get larger. I sat on my bed and contemplated the incredible shrinking jeans. They aren't new or anything so how could they have gotten so small just sitting my closet waiting for 90 degree weather to subside into the 50s? Then I saw it. This horrendous blob sticking out under my breasts. No, not a baby bump... my flabby, ever growing gut! Wait... is that really my reflection in the mirror? Is that really what people see when I sit down?????AGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the paramedics revived me, I realized that I have gained weight. A lot! A! LOT! And then I realized another thing. It has got to stop. So, now what? Identifying that I have a problem is the first step, but now what? Stupid alcoholics have it so easy with their 12 step plan! I have to create one. I know what you're thinking... successful diets do exist. Some swear by Weight Watchers and others surf the low carb waves... but I don't do well with either. Reality check... diets don't work if you have to force it too much. I can't count calories, times fiber, minus salt plus the square root of fat grams divided by pi every time I put something in my mouth. Instead, I will just eat the freaking pie and say I'll start counting again tomorrow. And, I like carbs. I eat me some carbs. But that is not what got me here. I don't chow down on an entire loaf of multi grain bread. No no, my issues live elsewhere (like in your grocers freezer case). So, I am not going to take away my whole grain pasta. Instead, I am going to do this super genius diet. Ready? I am going to actually attempt to eat right, exercise, and burn more calories then I take in. EARTH SHATTERING, yes?

So, today is day one in the "Lynn won't weigh more than the combined weight of the Indianapolis Colts" diet... and this blog is my accountability. People may read and join me... people may realize at this point that my blog isn't about a threesome and delete me from their web browser... either way is fine with me. This blog is where I am going to declare to the world that I will NOT go buy bigger jeans. No. I will put that shopping energy into something far greater than a single pair of jeans. I will put it into myself. Let the games begin.